Will there be tears in heaven? A look back at 2018

Today makes one year in Senegal. As we are at the end of our first year and the end of the calendar year I am forced to look back at a year that will not be forgotten. Please allow me to get reflective with you. In the end I hope reflection will lead us into a good future.


This year began with laughter. When we landed in Senegal, Amelia, our 3-year-old, at the time, asleep and exhausted from yet another international move, began to laugh. This laugh came deep from within. It was a laugh one would laugh at the end of a hard-fought victory. And we landed in Senegal with laughter.

As is with most things our laughter was quickly followed by tears. My father died in March the last skype conversation we had was on my birthday. He was exhausted from physical therapy and was barely coherent. After our conversation I locked myself in the bathroom and wept knowing we would never again have another conversation discussing the beauties of theology, the realities of church life, and the stupidity of politics. I could never again ask him for advice or pick his brain. I lost a father and a friend.

Needless to say, I struggled this year. I found myself walking through the valley of depression. I want to thank you for allowing me to share that walk with you. As it is with everything I write, my hope was that you were changed and encouraged by my journey. I did not write so that you would feel sorry for me, but that you would realize you are not alone.

In the middle of loss God gave us a profound blessing. Benjamin, our fourth kid, and first son, was born in June 2018. So, in a few short months I lost a father and gained a son. I was grateful to hold him and let him hold my hand. What a family we have become.

In all this, I discovered again that God made us emotionally complex people. This is a good thing. Often, I hear people try to encourage each other in sorrow by saying, “When we are in heaven there will be no more tears.” However, after this year, I don’t want that to be the case.


The tears I poured out this year are profoundly precious to me. They were healing. At the collision of complex emotions, tears express a deep inner beauty. I hope that in heaven we will continue to have a deep emotional range that can express the beautiful complexity created in us. Sometimes that beautiful complexity is expressed best in tears.

I hope I can cry in heaven when I look at the horror of sin and the beautiful reality of Jesus’ sacrifice. His pain is my salvation. The holes in his hands are my eternal inheritance. I hope that my adoration of Jesus for eternity comes from a deep inexhaustible well of beautifully complex emotions. Thus, my adoration will be genuine proclamation not repetitive sentiment.

This year I was moved by your comments on the blog. I wonder if we live in a time where it is difficult to express the complicated. I don’t think you can do it in 140 characters. It seemed that my journey gave you permission to explore the complexity of your own journeys. I hope it did. My desire is that we could continue the conversation. As 2019 unfolds I want to have an ongoing conversation about how we are beautifully made emotionally complex beings.

This will happen under the guise of my stories here from Senegal. But if you have a story you would like to share on Flyleaf Digest let me know. There are so many important stories out there. My hope is also that in the coming year I will have more opportunity to write to you here.

With everything that happened this year I want to thank you for your prayers. We could not have survived the transition without a supporting community behind us praying.

I want to leave this short post with a story. In the beginning of December, we had an event for aspiring Christian African artists. I am not exactly sure how it happened, but I had the privilege to be one of the event photographers. I loved it. Photography was a long-lost passion for me. This event brought joy back to photography. I lost my self in the task.
I had fun!

One the nights driving home I remember thinking, “I feel like myself again.” The journey was beginning to turn the corner and I could see the other side of the valley of depression. Knowing the
difficulty of the journey through the valley made the experience of unexpected joy rich and deep. I would not trade the journey through the valley for any riches because it made joy fuller.

For those of you who may going through depression there is joy in the valley. There is richness to life that can only be found when you go through it. You can’t get over depression you have to go through it. I give you one sure promise; this time is not being wasted. My prayer is that you would soon be able to see the light at the other end. My prayer is that you would be filled with a new depth of joy.

As we travel our journeys together in the upcoming year my hope is that we can share our stories together. My hope is that we would be honest in the midst of our journeys and draw nearer to our Heavenly Father and to each other.

Pray for us:

- This year will we have several bigger decisions we have to make and we need wisdom and guidance in them.

- Pray for me that God would give me a new burden ministry.

- Pray for Jen that she would have wisdom on how to teach the kids and continue to plug into ministry.

- Pray for the kids that they would find their niche here in Senegal. Specifically pray that Hannah and Amelia would forge some lasting friendships both with the other expats and the Senegalese.

- Pray that 2019 would be a bring forth a new joy filled season for our family.